by Amelia G. from Virtuous Daughters, April 2018~Volume 18, Number 1 An accident. A cancer diagnosis. A terminal illness. A miscarriage or child born prematurely. It pains our hearts to see our friends, neighbors, and church family hurting from medical crises. We want to help lift their burdens, but it can be difficult to know how best to help. Sometimes it is difficult to find ways to help because we don’t really understand what they are going through or we don’t know what the person or family needs. Sometimes we might even wonder if our efforts to help are truly helpful. Though each crisis and each family’s experience is different, there are many things you can do to help these hurting people regardless of the specifics of their situation. Through my own family’s experiences with medical crises and my nursing training, I would like to share with you some thoughts and practical ideas to empower you to effectively meet the needs of those in medical crisis around you. Offer Specific Ways You can Help
Being willing to help in any way needed is wonderful, but offer specific ways you can, or would like, to help. Navigating a medical crisis is overwhelming and lots of “I would be happy to help in any way you need – just let me know” offers can actually add to the overwhelming feelings. It adds to the information that has to be sorted out and decisions that have to be made. Sometimes it is just beyond someone in crisis to decide who-to-ask-help-from-for-what. Sometimes it hard to simply find the time to even make the call for help. And, sometimes pride gets in the way of asking for help – even if it has already been offered and even when a person is getting desperate! So, decide what you would like to do to help and then make a specific offer. Making specific offers for what you know you have the resources and time to help with will also protect you from having to say “no” if you were to be asked to help with something you are not able to help with. Here are some specific ideas:
Even if a family is capable of managing such tasks on their own despite a crisis, the practical help can still be such a blessing. It offers moral support and helps them see in tangible ways that they are not alone. Provide Childcare Offering to care for young children on a regular basis can be immensely helpful for the entire family. Not only does it offer a reprieve for the parents or older children caring for the little ones, it can also help the younger ones as well. Being able to spend time away from the craziness of their usually calm and stable world-turned-upside-down can give a sense of security, helping the little ones cope with the stress of the medical crisis. It can be very upsetting even for very young children to see their family member so ill, so time away where the crisis isn’t staring them in the face all the time can help relieve some of their stress. Making this a regular short-term occurrence (one afternoon a week) or intermittent long-term event (keeping the children for a full weekend or week) will help add predictability to the child’s life and will help the child feel more in control because they know what to expect. Structured activities, a predictable schedule, and incorporating the children into normal household chores and routines can add to the benefit of time spent away from home. Some children feel a need to be closer to their parents, so shorter times away may be better, while children a little older and with a little more independence may do better with longer stays away from home. It is not uncommon for young children to demonstrate regression during periods of extreme stress. This means they may temporarily to go back to less mature stages of normal child growth and development. This can include behavior issues like acting out or separation anxiety, but it can also have physical manifestations. For example, a potty-trained child may start having accidents again. Being cognizant of this will help you be able to respond in an understanding and positive way. Encourage the Family Members to Take Time for Self-Care Self-care is critically important when dealing with the stress of a medical crisis. Without self-care those caring for the ill family member or other younger family members will eventually be worn down emotionally and/or physically and will be unable to care for others. Self-care is not selfishness – it is empowering because it gives the recharge needed to keep going. We are humans with limitations. Even Jesus hid Himself from the very needy throngs of people so He could have time alone with His Father. That is self-care – taking time to do something restful or refreshing for you. Encourage the older family members who are busy caring for the sick and younger children to take time for themselves: a walk alone, an evening with a relaxing bath, a quiet hour with a good book or movie, a craft project, etc. Taking time for “unnecessary” things like this can seem impossible. We even make ourselves feel guilty for taking time to care for ourselves. There does not need to be any guilt in it. It is a good and necessary thing. So encourage self-care, keep them accountable for it when appropriate, and when possible facilitate it by helping with child-care and other day-to-day necessities. Share Words of Encouragement Get well cards and written notes of encouragement to not only the ill person, but also to the family members, mean so very much! It would be hard to over-do this – sending one every week or two is not too much. Consider making the note writing a family project and put together a package of encouraging cards, one to be opened daily or weekly for however long you choose. Including Scriptures can be particularly encouraging. You can even send a note even if you don’t know the person very well – it could mean the world to them. Phone calls can also be a wonderful encouragement – again, not only for the ill person, but also just as importantly for the family members. Just letting them know you are thinking about them can be huge and this can open up opportunities for the person to talk. You might tell someone they can call anytime if they “just need to talk.” That is wonderful, but sometimes it can be hard to pick up the phone and call someone “just to talk” even if they know they need it. So call, check-in, and then if they are ready to talk they will open up. When the relationship and situation allows, be direct in asking how the family member is doing – not to pry, but to give them an opportunity to share how they really are doing. If (or when) they cry, there is no need to feel bad. You didn’t make them cry. They needed to cry, they needed to share, and you have just given them that opportunity to be real and open – even just with themselves – about how they really are doing. There is healing in tears and being real. Listen, hug them, let them know you are praying for them, but please, please, don’t try to fix their problems! Now having said all this, show care and concern for their situation, but try not to let it dominate or define every conversation. Sometimes it can get old to always have people asking how your ill family member is doing. Not because the care isn’t appreciated, but because repeating the same thing and answering the same questions over and over again is tough, especially if there are no answers to the questions about the diagnosis, prognosis, testing, treatment plan, etc.! It is hard to answer a quick “How is he/she doing?” with just a one or two word answer. The answer is really not as simple as “good” or “bad”! If you are looking for an update on how the ill individual is doing, consider looking to their church’s prayer requests/updates or a patient care site/blog if available. A Couple Things NOT to Say When you are looking to encourage someone, there are a couple things that should not be said. Number one, “I know what you are going through.” This is a common statement. People say it with good motives and want to convey empathy, but unless you really have experienced the same thing, don’t say or suggest that you know what it is like. It can really hurt. Instead, relate to the person by identifying feelings. “That must be very overwhelming” or “I would feel _______ if I were in your shoes right now.” This can be comforting because it shows you are trying to understand what they are going through. Identifying feelings also helps the hurting person recognize their feelings and it gives them permission to experience those feelings. Number two, “Everything will be okay.” Again, this is said to encourage, but you do not know that everything will be okay. Perhaps you don’t know the whole story. Maybe the family isn’t ready to share everything yet. Offer compassion and encouraging words, but don’t offer false hope. Give If you are able, consider giving financially. Medical crises are costly whether due to medical expenses or loss of income when the breadwinner is ill or the caregiver is unable to work. A financial gift may seem impersonal but can be a huge blessing and relieve a great deal of financial stress. If you prefer to give in kind, consider giving groceries, paying for an automobile repair, or paying for some other type of expense. The Crisis isn’t Over When the Diagnosis is Gone There is great rejoicing when a person is declared cancer-free or discharged home from the hospital, but the crisis isn’t over when the diagnosis is gone. As upside-down as a family’s world turns when they receive a cancer (or other life-altering) diagnosis, there is sometimes more predictability during treatment than after treatment is finished. During treatment there is an algorithm for which treatment comes first, how long it lasts, expected side effects, then the next treatment modality expected based on the outcome of the first. After a person is diagnosis-free, the algorithm is gone and can leave a family feeling in no-man’s land. Their loved one is “well” but not really well at the same time - and there is no prescribed way to get well! It can take many months for the ill person be regain their strength, return to normal activities, and be able to resume their previous responsibilities. Sometimes the family will be able to return to their “old normal” and other times they will reach a “new normal”. Regardless, this process takes time and can be difficult and frustrating. As the family needs less and less practical help, continue praying and providing emotional support. A Special Note for Families in Medical Crisis As difficult as cancer and other life-altering illnesses are to understand for adults, it is even more difficult for children. Whether it is a child who is severely ill or a family member, Child Life Specialists can help children understand, at an age appropriate level, what is going on. They have special training and resources that can be used to guide and help children process the crisis and medical treatments. Contact your local cancer treatment center or doctor to find a Child Life Specialist who can help you. If you are really struggling with a life-altering illness, illness of a family member, or the aftermath of a medical crisis, consider seeking professional counseling. It may be easy to think of counseling as something for those who are “weak” or “incapable” of coping on their own. This is not the case! Like a personal trainer, a counselor is a one-on-on coach – someone who can coach you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It takes courage to seek help, but it shows that you want and are willing to grow and learn from the difficult situation. Getting help does not mean you are weak, it means you want to become stronger. You may find a counselor in your local phone book or you can request a referral to a counselor from your pastor or family doctor. I write this with heartfelt appreciation to the countless people who have carried my family and me through more than one major medical crisis. For the countless meals, the sweet notes from distant friends, the young men who cared for our yard, for groceries and more meals, for the families who provided a safe and calm haven for my little sisters as our parents were so very ill, for the many men who maintained our automobiles and helped with home repairs, for my friends who looked me squarely in the eye and directly asked me how I was doing – how I was coping – and then were not scared away when I burst into tears… and for so very, very much more. In writing this I have relived some of the best, worst, and bittersweet moments of these crises, and I am beginning to see an answer to prayer – that these painful experiences would not go to waste. These experiences have helped me know better how to come along side hurting people and help them in a truly helpful way, and I hope in sharing this that you too will be empowered to minister more effectively to families in medical crisis. Comments are closed.
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